Now that I have been retired for several years I am beginning to gain insights on how to survive in the pews…..

I have yet to meet anyone who says that hymns are their favorite form of music. In fact, it’s just the opposite. I suspect that for most, the Sunday regimen of hymns from centuries past is met with a benign resignation….

So… I have my own methodology for the Sunday selections.

First, I discern whether the hymn is Catholic or Protestant in character. Ok, this is purely subjective and wholly unscientific but…having superficially deduced the distinction……

If it is Catholic, I sing it with an Irish accent.

If it is Protestant, then I deploy a Scottish brogue.

If it is low church evangelical, then it calls for a southern country western twang……

If I don’t like the hymn at all, then I deem it unworthy of the effort and just mumble through the words.

And, if it is really sucky, or really un-singable,…..I simply stand in inscrutable silence.

So, if you are standing near me…..now you know my hymn code and, as an added benefit you get to discern my interpretation.

In all cases I pray for the mercy of God and that we won’t have to sing EVERY SINGLE VERSE…..

And, if all else fails… remember the immortal works of The Rt. Rev. James Pike, sometime Bishop of California, who when asked about the antiquated theology of the hymnal was purported to have said:

“WELL, IF YOU SING IT….YOU DON’T HAVE TO BELIEVE IT”

(or something like that)

At least my approach adds to the entertainment value of the service and helps me keep awake for the undisputed highlight of the Mass….. ……THE SUNDAY COLLECTION AND SOLEMN ELEVATION OF THE CASH………

AMEN.