For the first time since I was 25 years old I am not listed at any church as parish clergy. Although I am retired, my official designation is “non-parochial”. That’s kind of church talk for “unemployed”. At first it felt more like “cast off”, “cut loose”, “old has been”, or “discarded”. I was floating somewhere out in ecclesiastical hyperspace: orphaned, and homeless…well not really homeless because I have been granted the rare privilege of remaining in my local congregation, but you get the idea.

But then, I had an epiphany. Here was the gift of freedom. I didn’t have to be defined by what I was not; I could embrace a new identity, I could invent an entirely new designation; I am Itinerant. (Cue the background blues music …” Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen… nobody knows my sorrow” “ Sometimes I feel like a motherless child…” or even Roger Miller’s “King of the Road”…..”I’m a man of means by no means….King of the road….”)

Unconstrained, unrestrained, and unfettered, I could ramble to and fro, set a spell, or loiter about as I please. Unencumbered by expectations or obligations and (this is the part I am most excited about) I never have to attend a Vestry, all parish, or Annual Meeting again unless I want to! I have arrived at the Promised Land!

I could be a ”member of all families, yet belonging to none”. I could see that this new identity came with a host of spectacular advantages.

For the first time in my adult life, I could be more than a church member, I could be A VISITOR , with all the privileges expectations, and rights pertaining thereto. Ooooh ahhhh. Whenever I graced the local Chapel of Ease, I would be embraced by usher and clergy alike for I, yes I, was the reason churches have Greeters, Ushers, and Welcoming Committees in the first place. Better yet, if it was a cold parish (who, of course, always brag about how welcoming they are); I could be ignored altogether. Like a kind of clandestine encounter with the sacred. I could satisfy my weekly obligation in utter anonymity, sanctimoniously remembering Jesus’ words “When you pray, pray in secret and your Father who sees in secret will reward you”. Oh goody….another deposit in the Treasury of Merit! (which I don’t really believe in….but I could be wrong….so just in case, yea me!)

I am unburdened from the weight of responsibility. Unshackeled from the pariochial ball and chain. If the service doesn’t go well or there’s a problem, I can sit back, smile inwardly, and bask in the joy of irresponsibility. I can come to church completely unprepared and, if I want, I can show up just as the church bells strike the holy hour of 10:00 (because the early service is out of the question for an Old School devotee whose Anglo Catholic heart rarely receives, but still longs for the “full meal deal” of the “smells, bells, and holy yells” of high church worship. Besides, its TOO EARLY. ) and I never have to change my clothes.

Best of all, nobody complains to me. Well, I guess they still do sometimes, but now, I don’t really care. Nobody expects that I do something about the cobwebs in the rafters, the lights that are out in the Narthex or, my personal favorite, the absence of butt protectors in the bathroom.

You know what those are. The tissue paper things that some enterprising product development executive invented to protect you from STD’s. Those being; Seat Transmitted Diseases that may be lerking undtetected by the naked eye, whatever they are. (Now there’s a study for an enterprising University; “The Prophylactic Efficacy of Bathroom Seat Covers in the Prevention of Epidural Infestation and the Control of Infectious Contagion among Adult Proponents of Tissue Barriers”. A retrospective analysis. R. Rhoads et al.…

Of course, these are the kind of complaints that simply must bypass the Vestry, Junior Warden, or Senior Warden and go directly to the Priest in Charge; immediately and with the appropriate and attendant urgency. Do not pass GO, do not collect $500. After all, the primary function of the shepherd is to protect the sheep, and evidently darkness, spider bites, and the dreaded afore mentioned STD’s are at the top of the list, relatively speaking.

*editorial note “ I’m laughing so hard here, I’m not sure I can continue….but I will endeavor to press on….. Oh, the things I could never write in the Parish newsletter….they’re now just pouring out…”

So, leaving this behind, so to speak (and yes, the pun is not accidental), let us move on…

Penultimately (I love that word “penultimate”, It’s so, so, so pretentious) I am free to say no, and to say no without reservation or giving a reason. To say things like “I’m sorry but that would be during my nap time” or “I’d better go home now to check on the doggies” or “ That’s really the responsibility of the Rector”…to name but a few. Then again, I can simply utter an unqualified “NO” without hesitation or guilt whetsoever. After all, the expectations of an Itinerant are questionable at best….

Which brings me to the last advantage (or at least the last I can think of right now); I can say or write whatever I want (within reason of course). My words are now solely mine alone. They are not representative of any one or any thing else. I don’t speak for any congregation, organization, or institution.

Thank God!